Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What Pets Write in Their Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow—but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released—and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…


  1. Steve: I am definitely not a cat lover...a tall!! I did read a book once called Cat & Dog Theology that was rather interesting. This post reminds me of the points in that book. I will reserve any more comments about cats since I do not want to jeopardize your life or mine from PETA.

  2. Go ahead Bill, stir it up...

    I've had cats and dogs...and can say beyond doubt that cats can be just weird! And, who died and make them king anyway?

  3. Growing up, we had both cats and dogs. Now, my kids have a cat.

    I've always heard that someone with a low self-esteem should never have a cat; but a dog. A cat will ignore you (unless you don't like cats, then you are the one they go to) but a dog will accept you no matter what!

  4. The main difference between a cat and dog? You call the dog and he comes running, just happy to see you and get your attention.

    A cat takes a message and gets back to you at its earliest convenience.

  5. Absolutely hilarious and so true. I'm happy with either: out here in the country cats are v useful.


  6. Irrelevant but slightly spooky coincidence: I just bought a copy of Herodotus' Histories!


Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I can't wait to read what you have written.